6 cookies!!!! i don't want to go to jail [22 Aug 2004|06:21pm] here's my essay on page 189 (yeah one page) of Catcher in the Rye Encounter with Mr. Antolini: "The Mr. Vinsons of the world…" Education. It’s something you have to want. You can’t achieve the mind of a scholarly thinker from inheritance or inevitability, you must want, in order to achieve. Anyone can progress if only they have the want. Want is what feeds into the most useful tool at the disposal of every man woman and child; will power. Whether one wants to be a doctor, or a lawyer, or philosopher, or psychoanalyst or what have you, it can be achieved only with the will to work for it. Some are born more genetically capable, but the fact of the matter is that an intelligent and educated person can express his thoughts much more clearly than a man simply intelligent, or the "unscholarly thinker". Mr. Antolini’s words help Holden come to grips with one of the essential questions of life; whether to try to become the most he can be, or to settle for what comes without effort. At this point in his adolescence, Holden Caufield questions the value and meaning of life. He sees the world through tinted eyes and finds himself questioning human behavior and ability, or lack thereof, in itself. Although the reasons why he should want to become an educated person are for him to find on his own, Mr. Antolini gives him the option to think about the choices clearing confronting him. He was yet to notice these reasons for himself. When he decides to learn, he will find, "among other things," that men like him have had these same thoughts. People have contemplated these same ideas, and he should be relieved to know he is not the first. These predecessors can teach Holden through their records, and Holden might someday teach others, continuing this pattern of educated persons. This pattern, known as a phenomenon of human nature, makes it not simply education, but as Antolini said, "It’s history. It’s Poetry." Carrying this new information with him on his journey, he is presented with a fundamental question: should he apply himself? Is it worth it to learn? Antolini’s harangue was more than that, but advice, useful advice, to Holden. Holden must choose whether he will or will not subject himself to such advocacy. He will become a pillar of this chain or an element that helps to break it down. He can add to this establishment that is society, or be a termite in the woodwork. One person doing good can build a whole pillar; one doing bad is only a termite, which, unfortunately, with enough followers can take down the mightiest of structures—like this countries education system. If Holden chooses, along the course of his lifetime to start down a new path, one he has yet to travel, he would have the foundation to do so, and easily be able to excel. With an education, goals can be reached that would never be thought possible or probable without one. "Cinderella stories," as they are sometimes called—when someone with low opportunities, can move up in the world by one of two ways; the unlikely chance of luck, or by working for it through hard work and skillful learning. As most everyone someday does, Holden will someday find a deeper meaning in life. Having a sound mind will give these ideas a solid base. You can’t just cheat yourself out of an education, and what Mr. Antolini gave him that night was more than enough to push him in the direction toward finding that meaning, if he would only choose to use it to his advantage. The book as a whole sparked ideas for me personally, and made me realize that the saying "a mind is terrible thing to waste," is more than a cliché. In particular, Mr. Antolini made me contemplate the same subjects he wanted to place into Holden’s thoughts. If ever one were to rethink furthering their schooling, when they had the necessary means to do so, one would be wasting the essence of who they could be. Meaning in life first comes from a vast understanding of the life around us, though the most knowledgeable person is the one who understands that they know nothing.

14 cookies!!!! [27 Jun 2004|01:10pm] im definitely on top of the world right now. eveyrthting is going great for me and i hope eveyrone else too... I just feel really comfortable with who i am, and thats an awesome feeling. 2 minute later update: im fucking pissed off. wtf. niccis entry, alex's entry, and michaels comment on alex's entry. i dont want to start. if you hate that ive been fucked why dont you stop fucking me, eh?

4 cookies!!!! [20 Jun 2004|10:47pm] i dont really think im going to update on anything... i mostly played evil dead - fistfull of boomstick, and played with fro and nicci and erin and well when i wasnt doingthat i was sitting in my room killing zombies. MICHAEL AND I ARE GOING TO CAMP TOMORROW!!! and other people who are really cool. I missed michael so much when he went to nebraska! i wish i werent such a big baby sometimes and make my boy feel bad:( becuase i didnt mean to do that. i love him so much.

cookies!!!! [18 Jun 2004|10:19pm] im not sure what days i havent caught up on on here! thats crazy i know becuase ive been writing my whole summer down. well two days ago michael and i went to ward parkway and got knives (i dont know why) and then we drove around and went to his house for 5 minutes picked up fro blablablah it sucked becuase it was the last night before he went to nebraska!! so hes in nebraska now, and i am missing him so much, and hes not answering his celly. :-\. but actually im amazed at my control and not like crying or something!! so fro spent the night that night and then the next day (yesterday) my friend erin from sion came over, and then nicci, then fro & erin left, van and adam came over and we hung out van is my big brother, and i realized i have to start the fuck over in fistfull of boomstick and taht pisses me off >:O. oh and erin and ELISE came over later :) :). it was fun and my dad and i danced crazy-like. this morning i woke up in my basement and saw niccis face and laughed becuase shes so sillllieee n shit, and we did nothing all day, and nothing was lots of fun. SHE ALSO CUT MY AHIR LAST NIGHT. i love it... i hope michael does too. :-x. and to celebrate my sissters 1520 on her SATs we went out to dinner at this ethiopian restaurant and it was AMAZING. someones gotta go tehre with me some time, it was so great. right by the blue koi down in westport.

2 cookies!!!! [16 Jun 2004|10:14am] uhhhhhhh yesterday michael went to talk to an attourney and today he is doing 8 hours of community service =-o! and ummm then i went to his house for all day and his mom says were attached at the hip and its true damnit he sees me when im really gross hahahaha thats why he says were married wtf yeah ENOUGH ABOUT A WEIRD BOY except i dont do anything else so nothing else to talk about :) except i made a skirt and its white, and im sooo good at FISTFULL OF BOOMSTICK the game about zombies yah i rock. okay well hopefully fro and nicci will come over!!!! nicci says shes coming over thursday... she better before i beat her ass. i miss fro i hope she can play soon. I REALLY WANT SMORES!!!

2 cookies!!!! [14 Jun 2004|10:56am] yesterday made me very happy. i didnt really do anything... until 9 when i went to mikey wikeys house!!!! and he liked my hair and that made me happy. :-D. and we played... and i made him be the rapist. ;-). and we cuddled like the weird married couples do before they do whatever their private parts want them to do... hahahahahahahhahahaha. RAWR. and we slow danced in the kitchen when everyone was sleeping. and i left the room for one minute and katie (his sister) magically transformed into michael. i didnt know brothers and sisters could do that. oh he has a new neighbor too who doesnt wear bras and skateboards and hangs out with thugs. THUGS. yeah gross i know. okay i love you all and ONE MORE THING, everyone who loves alex haddad, come to my house tonight, becuase we are going to write him a bajillion letters that he'll get at boy scout camp!!!!!!!!!!!!!! bring stamps.. bitches. okay dont make plans if you're reading this, because that's what you're doing tonight. k love u all, -bex

6 cookies!!!! [11 Jun 2004|03:57pm] hello! wow i have just finished redoing/ painting my room. it's really great and i love it and im probably going to post pictures on yeranorgasm soon when i get off my ass and upload them, so thats why i havent been online much/updated. Last night i went to michaels! and watched the mtv movie awards! except im really sad becuase today i was informed of something i said which i didnt mean in the way it sounded becuase i didnt think about it when i said it and made the connection that it refers to something else which i didnt mean at all ummm yes well i feel horrible. eek! well anyway today has been really horrible so far and im not sure why, it just has been. ask fro. but i did pick fro up at 1 and she came over until 4 which is not that long and not long enough for me to spend wtih mah fro!!!!!!!!! april eyes is playing at spitfire and i want to go NO IM NOT GOING TO MAKE FUN!! i just want to go wherever mikey wikey does becuase i love to be around him becuase when you play with him it just makes you HAPPY!!!! and im sending him portugal the man song so im listening too it and i really like it its sooo good RAWR. okay well i want to go with alex ryan and michael to spitfire but i feel like i am not wanted but im making someone take me anyway... rawr. yesterday i went to the doctor and i got new meds and theres like 5 of them and the new pills are sooo big they are like: __ ( ) ( ) (__) THAT BIG! no joke. that means im serious. well, today is not a good day. maybe it will get better. -bex

4 cookies!!!! MY BRAIN IS ACHING!!!!!!!!!! [09 Jun 2004|10:36pm] well im sitting in my room but my room is messed up right now because im painted and today i did primer and im painting it bright pink and lime green tomorrow. the fumes are definitely getting to me so i have to leave my room but well im stupid and think i will let it kill some more brain cells first. i just saw harry potter!!! im not sure whether i liked it or not becuase well i already knew the ending but harry is sooooooooooooooooo hot. yeah im an imature girl with a crush on a moviestar. no not brad pitt or shit like that... the boy who plays HARRY FREAKING POTTER. rawr. sorry michael... but you would be just as fine with a lightning bolt on your head and well i love you and not him of course but if you could be a wizard it would be kinda neat. okay now my head REALLY hurts but i would like to say that the paint im using is NICKELODEON brand becuase the other brands were vibrant nor vivacious enough for my liking. nickelodeon kicks. cheerio!

2 cookies!!!! [08 Jun 2004|11:42pm] [ mood | tired and hungry ] MICHAEL AND ALEXX CAME OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and i showed them my room and my squishy bed and then michael read my mind about that damn video game wtf he is so weird he has them memorized and hten we watched gothika and then the dog pooped and it smelled horrible! YAY! good story!!!!!!! ummmmmmmm michael is way more beautiful and pretty smelling even than what i remembered. i love him more everrrtyyytime i see him wich is all the time. i'm going to trick him into seeing harry potter with me. he will be CLUELESS.

4 cookies!!!! [08 Jun 2004|07:55pm] [ mood | tummy hurts ] michael should be home any time now and i am so anxious i want him to come STRAIGHT HERE because i need to seeeee hiiiiiimmmmm!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! akldjflsdjkkljkldjsljklfsdlfjsdlfjsdljsdf michael - you. here. now. i have a video game and and i dont know how to win so i need him to help. and i rented gothika but fro told me i had to watch it with michael or someone becuase its scary and i pick michael over the someone!!! ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh today i woke up and carrie and fro were in my room snoozing so i read harry potter hahaha yeah i just finished the 4th one this morning. i still say 3rd is the best, but i havent seen the movie yet. i wanted to see it tonight but i dont know about that. oh yeah and earlier i threw up 4 times and felt really sick.... but oh well. yeah i dont feel very good now either hahaha my tummy and uterus are killing me. UTERUS.

8 cookies!!!! [08 Jun 2004|02:03am] [ mood | pooopy ! ] 2:02 am TIME FOR AN UPDATE! i HUUURUT myself today. - marylin manson i ddidnt really you sick sadistic fools. i did find nemo and the lucky fin though. she was a hidin on her mightyship and 3/4 girl and i sailed the mighty seas to fight the evil sea witch frotilda. today i sat and then i got rid of my king size bed and put a twin bed in my room because its tiny and i like it. it fits better. that was the full extent of my day. then fro and carrie came over and they are here now and i have been reading harry potter and fro tells me i get weirder than normal but im afraid that is not true in the slightest. i just sail my goddamn ships okay. you sail your way ill sail mine aphrodite. i miss michael so much BUT I GUESS ITS TUESDAY NOW SO I GET TO PLAY WITH HIM TODAY!!!!!!!!!!! i love him with all my heart. thats the first serious thought that has crossed my mind in hours. god im so weird and fro and i abuse carrie and she is our devoted slave. im having fun with these weirdos. i have fun sitting here with them. but they try to avoid my amazing ness by sleepter but it will not be had. i refuse to pee out pillars of justice in the name of the almighty dumbledore who encases my every whim. stick that in your back pocket.

4 cookies!!!! [06 Jun 2004|09:44pm] [ mood | head-achey ] two things are on my mind 1)I miss michael very much 2)i have horrible skin which makes my face and me very very ugly both of things kindof make me want to cry, but it would be really dumb if i cried over that... so i havent... yet... im listening to yeah yeah yeahs i forgot how much i loved them. okay well thursday night i got to drive a couple hours on the highway and discovered driving isnt fun when you do it for a couple hours. then i ate mexican food-- (rehersal dinner). this was all for my uncles wedding, in memphis tennessee. My uncle marshal used to remind me of a marshmellow... because he was so extremely fat, and has white hair and wore big white shirts. (emphasis on big). he married my aunt Alice, but alice died before i was born. well marshal lost alot of weight in the last few years, and now he respembles fat bastard at the end of that one austin powers movie where he has all the saggy skin becuase he lost all the fat... yeah like that. well anyway he got married. hes 60. His now wife Marylin is 60, but she has never been married. wow. i definitely dont want to get married for the first time when im 60. the fat man in tennessee might be a fun adventure though. so after the wedding, which was saturday afternoon, my cousin Patrick who is 17, his friend Paul whos 18, and i went to pack up their instruments and go to their show. Its a ska band called the Raleigh Symphony (where they live is called Raleigh) and they sound really great acutally. they need to come to kc and i will get them a show somewhere. RAWR. go to www.geocities.com/theraleighsymphony to hear them/ check it out. So this show started at like noon, and went until 12. wow thats a longer time than i thought now that i think about it, but we got there around 5. So i guess i made some friends in memphis YAY. It was a show at a skatepark and it reminded me of last year EXACTLY. local fans singing every lyric to local pop punk bands... it made me think of old times and how i had sooo much fun being a baby band bitch... even though thats what i was. the 2nd to last band was called My Surrender... and they were fucking amazing. It was a local hardcore band but it was as good as anything ive heard. i shaved my right arm and i dont know why. not the left one.. just the right. i can't tell you why. It just felt right.. but now it is bothering me to the extreme. well thats enough; bex. p.s. i really truely miss michael very much.

6 cookies!!!! [03 Jun 2004|11:07am] [ mood | hungry ] Michael just left for Texas today. I went to his house this morning so we could play and say goodbye for a lil, yes not coming back until tuesday.. Not that long, but I will miss his weirdness very much. He is the greatest boy in the whole world and I love him more than anything. Now i really need some food, and im going to spend today tanning i guess. I'm leaving for Memphis tennessee either late tonight or tomorrow morning. hahahahahaha THE STARBUCKS DOUBLE SHOT AD IS THE BEST AD THERE IS "ROY! ROY ROY ROY! ROY ROY ROY! ROY ROY ROOOOYYY!!!" wow it's great! and ashley simpson is really cute. and well jessica simpson is really lucky for being so stupid because she gets to do all these ads!!! pizza hut, ice breakers... yah wow its funny stufffff well im starving byebye. +edit+ it's 6:00 and i miss michael patrick leech very very very very very much and cant stop hearing the weird stuff he says in my head and smiling and then realizing im smiling and day dreaming and being like WTF. yeah i miss him alot already, but it will be okay, because i am a soldier! also, truett wanted to pick me up so i had him pick up fro so she could come over becuase i didnt know how else i would play with her, and then we went to adam sutherlands house for a little while hahaha! oh gosh and van i miss seeing him everyday. LORA AND ESMIE ARE THE CUTEST GIRLS EVER!! hahahaha you guys are so sweet RAWR then we went swimming in adams neighborhood pool for like 2 minutes hahaa oh gosh i gotta play with adam and van more ebcause they are entertaining and nice lil boys. RAWR!!! now i'm leaving for springfield missouri, and tomorrow we are driving 7 hours to memphis tennessee. damnit UGH. oh well. i love everyone. <33 p.s. some fucking random kid thats really weird tried to get added on this... ummm no.

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